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The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now Paperback – March 16, 2021

by Meg Jay (Author)
4.7 out of 5 stars 10,504 ratings
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The Defining Decade has changed the way millions of twentysomethings think about their twenties—and themselves. Revised and reissued for a new generation, let it change how you think about you and yours.

Our "thirty-is-the-new-twenty" culture tells us the twentysomething years don't matter. Some say they are an extended adolescence. Others call them an emerging adulthood. In The Defining Decade, Meg Jay argues that twentysomethings have been caught in a swirl of hype and misinformation, much of which has trivialized the most transformative time of our lives.

Drawing from more than two decades of work with thousands of clients and students, Jay weaves the latest science of the twentysomething years with behind-closed-doors stories from twentysomethings themselves. The result is a provocative read that provides the tools necessary to take the most of your twenties, and shows us how work, relationships, personality, identity and even the brain can change more during this decade than at any other time in adulthood—if we use the time well.

Also included in this updated edition: 

  • Up-to-date research on work, love, the brain, friendship, technology, and fertility
  • What a decade of device use has taught us about looking at friends—and looking for love—online
  • 29 conversations to have with your partner—or to keep in mind as you search for one
  • A social experiment in which "digital natives" go without their phones
  • A Reader's Guide for book clubs, classrooms, or further self-reflection
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  1. Print length
    336 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Twelve
  4. Publication date
    March 16, 2021
  5. Dimensions
    5.45 x 1.1 x 8.25 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1538754231
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1538754238
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  1. The one thing I have learned is that you can’t think your way through life. The only way to figure out what to do is to do—something.
    Highlighted by 4,631 Kindle readers
  2. As a twentysomething, life is still more about potential than proof. Those who can tell a good story about who they are and what they want leap over those who can’t.
    Highlighted by 4,024 Kindle readers
  3. “He that hath once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.”
    Highlighted by 2,486 Kindle readers
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From the Publisher

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Editorial Reviews

Review

"Meg Jay takes the specific complaints of twenty something life and puts them to diagnostic use."―New Yorker

"Any recent college grad mired in a quarter-life crisis or merely dazed by the freedom of post-collegiate existence should consider it required reading."―Slate.com, Staff Pick

"The professional and personal angst of directionless twentysomethings is given a voice and some sober counsel in this engaging guide. While Jay maintains that facing difficulties in one's 20s 'is a jarring--but efficient and often necessary--way to grow,' the author is sincere and sympathetic, making this well-researched mix of generational sociology, psychotherapy, career counseling, and relationship advice a practical treatise for a much-maligned demographic."―Publishers Weekly

"A clinical psychologist issues a four-alarm call for the 50 million 20-somethings in America.... A cogent argument for growing up and a handy guidebook on how to get there."―Kirkus Reviews

"Excellently written, this book is sensitive to the emotional life of twentysomethings."―Library Journal

"THE DEFINING DECADE [is] just the wake up call many twentysomethings need."―The Coffin Factory

"I strongly recommend THE DEFINING DECADEfor anyone in their 20s trying to figure out their life's direction. You'll learn how to search productively, how to avoid being indulgent, and how to turn good opportunities into great ones."―Po Bronson, author of What Should I Do With My Life?, co-author of Nurtureshock

"Before reading THE DEFINING DECADE I didn't know enough about the importance of our twenties to be concerned that I could mess it all up. Now that I do, I could worry myself into paralysis, or, as Meg Jay suggests, grab life by the helm--even if I still have no idea in hell where I'm going. Without a doubt, The Defining Decade will leave you eager to embark on what I now see can be the most exciting odyssey of one's life."―Rachel Kauder Nalebuff, editor of My Little Red Book

"THE DEFINING DECADE is the book twentysomethings have been waiting for. It will not tell you what you should do with your life, but it will inspire, motivate, and educate you to figure it out."―Rachel Simmons, author of The Good Girl

"THE DEFINING DECADE is eye-opening, important, and a pleasure to read. I highly recommend it."―Wendy Mogel, author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee and The Blessing of a B Minus

"Meg Jay brings a sharp intellect, expertise on the life cycle, and extensive clinical experience to this powerful book. Age and time, she argues, are not malleable, even if people live longer and our culture believes that everything is possible. Reading this book will benefit clinicians, cultural commentators, and twentysomethings themselves."―Nancy Chodorow, author of Individualizing Gender and Sexuality: Theory and Practice

"This fascinating, engaging book makes a convincing case that the twenties are the most transformative period of people's lives, and even better, shows readers how to get off the couch and live that decade well. It should be read by all young adults, their friends, their parents, their grandparents, their bosses, their siblings . . . really, by just about everyone!"―Timothy D. Wilson, author of Redirect: The Surprising New Science of Psychological Change

"Expecting to experience the joy of freedom and self-discovery, many young men and women find instead confusion, loneliness, and anomie. Jay is just the sort of guide that these twentysomethings and their parents need: sensitive, thoughtful, and wise."―Kay Hymowitz, author of Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men into Boys

"THE DEFINING DECADE is a rare gem: a fresh, original contribution to the study of adult development that's also a pleasurable, almost effortless read."―Daphne de Marneffe, PhD, author of Maternal Desire: On Children, Love, and the Inner Life

"Blending the latest social science research with real life accounts of twentysomething clients and students, Jay provides valuable and compelling insights and direction for twentysomethings, their parents, and parents of future twentysomethings."―Leslie C. Bell, PhD, author of Hard to Get: 20-Something Women and the Paradox of Sexual Freedom.

"THE DEFINING DECADE is a must read for the twentysomething who is looking to build a meaningful, fulfilling, and rich life. Dr. Jay clearly illustrates some of the biggest mistakes we can make in our twenties. But more important she gives advice about how to make decisions that will set twentysomethings up for success in the workplace and intimate relationships in their thirties and beyond."―C. J. Pascoe, author of Dude, You're a Fag: Masculinity and Sexuality in High School

"THE DEFINING DECADE does an excellent job of conveying the latest social science on twentysomething relationships and helping young adults to understand why these relationships can be so confusing and challenging...Young adults looking for insights about love, life, and marriage should turn to Dr. Meg Jay's engaging and insightful new book."―W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia

"Meg Jay masterfully blends cutting-edge research and life stories of psychotherapy clients to make a compelling case that this age period is crucial for launching love and work. You will learn a lot from this book and it will spur you to seize control of your future now."―Avril Thorne, University of California, Santa Cruz

"Listen to me closely. If you know someone already in or entering the third decade of life, or their parents, or their therapist, you must give them this book. Meg Jay slams a cultural corrective on our desk. Pay attention. The twenties are the defining decade of human life where the foundation of every future is laid...No one should turn thirty without having read this book."―J. Anderson Thomson Jr., MD; staff psychiatrist, University of Virginia, department of Student Health; co-author, Facing Bipolar: The Young Adult's Guide to Facing Bipolar Disorder

About the Author

Meg Jay, PhD, is a Clinical Psychologist and an Associate Professor of Human Development at the University of Virginia who specializes in twentysomethings. She earned a doctorate in clinical psychology and in gender studies from the University of California, Berkeley. Her books, The Defining Decade and Supernormal, have been translated into more than a dozen languages and her work has appeared in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review and on NPR and BBC. Her TED talk "Why 30 is Not the New 20" is among the most watched to date.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Twelve; Revised edition (March 16, 2021)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 336 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1538754231
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1538754238
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 9.9 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.45 x 1.1 x 8.25 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 out of 5 stars 10,504 ratings

About the author

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Meg Jay

Meg Jay

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Meg Jay, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and an associate professor of education at the University of Virginia. She earned a doctorate in clinical psychology, and in gender studies, from University of California, Berkeley. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Psychology Today, and on NPR, the BBC and TED. Her books have been translated into more than a dozen languages.

You can visit her website at megjay.com.

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4.7 out of 5 stars
10,504 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book well-written and relatable, with insightful content that touches on various aspects of life including career, love, and self-development. Moreover, they consider it worth the price, enjoy reading it, and appreciate its value as a graduation gift. However, the tone receives mixed reactions, with some finding it funny while others find it preachy.

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664 customers mention "Readability"643 positive21 negative

Customers find the book well-written and relatable, particularly for mid-20s readers.

"...I think this is an important book that those in their late teens or twenties would do well to read, and that older demographics could use to better..." Read more

"...sessions with her patients to make a thought provoking but easy book to read. In many of those patients, I saw my friends or myself...." Read more

"...I am 18 and found this a good book to take a look at seeing as I am in that nebulous realm in which I must transition into adulthood and enter..." Read more

"...Work - Lots of stories about 20 somethings who are trying to "find themselves" and who are holding out for inspiration for their life's..." Read more

562 customers mention "Insight"547 positive15 negative

Customers find the book insightful, with several mentioning how it touches on aspects of their lives. One customer notes its systematic approach to life exploration, while another appreciates its powerful guidance for young people.

"...It does go against the rhetoric 20-somethings are hearing and provide honest, objective examples of how and why taking action in early adulthood is..." Read more

"...Instead, this is a thought provoking book aimed against the popular twenty something zeitgeist today that, "we can do anything", "there's always time..." Read more

"...The author has a realist sort of perspective that sometimes too many of our elders are afraid to impose when it comes to advising us younger people...." Read more

"This book is a quick read. There's enough cited research throughout it to make it feel like you're not just listening to some psychologist's..." Read more

25 customers mention "Pacing"22 positive3 negative

Customers appreciate the book's pacing, with one customer noting it covers everything from career to love to self-development, while another mentions how it helps readers find answers to their questions.

"...The author covers a variety of topics that you may or may not have considered and provides testimonies from her twenty-something year old clients,..." Read more

"...book really helped me push myself and let me know it was OKAY to pursue other things, it is OKAY to want things that are better...." Read more

"...As a parent, it has helped me to ask better questions, show support in different ways, and encourage my girls that they are doing just exactly what..." Read more

"...The Defining Decade is powerful in that it reminds us 20 somethings that we are not helpless adolescents without the ability to take responsibility..." Read more

22 customers mention "Value for money"22 positive0 negative

Customers find the book worth every cent, with one mentioning it provides great advice on financial planning.

"...and how easy it is to move in together because it's convenient and economical and seems like the next logical step, but how hard it is..." Read more

"This is the best book on the market for 20 somethings. Here's why: A. It's research based...." Read more

"...this book to their college children.. what a great start to help with saving money for their future." Read more

"Love this book totally worth it and recommend it!" Read more

17 customers mention "Enjoyment"17 positive0 negative

Customers find the book enjoyable, with one mentioning it serves as a stimulus for fruitful conversations among 20-somethings.

"...It was interesting and fun to read... but perhaps more importantly it was re-assuring. The 20s are a confusing time, and this is compounded..." Read more

"...Meg Jay writes a fun, practical, guidebook that leaves you thinking, "why didn't I think of that, of course"!..." Read more

"...The stories the author tells and the way they tell them was quite enjoyable and made me actually want to read the book as opposed to forcing myself..." Read more

"...Everyone under 35 should read it. Great stories and super fun and easy to read. Thought provoking and I am so grateful o came across it...." Read more

16 customers mention "Gift value"16 positive0 negative

Customers find the book makes a good graduation gift.

"This woman has a divine gift...." Read more

"...This was definately a great gift I chose to give myself for my 24th birthday, and I plan on getting one for 19 year old brother...." Read more

"...with college students in ministry and this has become a go to gift for graduating seniors...." Read more

"...my situation to a "t"... Buy this book, if you are looking for a good grad gift buy a box of these books and give them out." Read more

15 customers mention "Dating perspective"12 positive3 negative

Customers appreciate the book's perspective on dating, with one customer noting it offers solid concrete wisdom, while others mention it helps with meeting new partners, making friends, and choosing the right partner.

"...-laws, how to make sure "living together" isn't harmful, and choosing the right partner. The Brain and Body is sort of a misc...." Read more

"...It really emphasized being intentional in your relationships...." Read more

"...This is how you meet new partners, make new best friends, and open up opportunities...." Read more

"Very hetero and child-focused, which was obnoxious. What if you’re queer and don’t want children?..." Read more

15 customers mention "Tone"8 positive7 negative

Customers have mixed reactions to the tone of the book, with some finding it funny and engaging, while others find it preachy and annoying.

"Not only is this book practical and easy to read -- with hilarious stories from young people who sound JUST LIKE the my liberal arts college..." Read more

"...I recommend this book to ALL my friends. It is a little preachy at times but the message is, TAKE ACTION. DO SOMETHING. DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME." Read more

"...because it is an interesting and easy to read book, written in a conversational style...." Read more

"...I had to put this book down 3/4 in simply due to the author's obnoxious tone...." Read more

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3 out of 5 stars
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Top reviews from the United States

  • A.H.
    5.0 out of 5 stars Read the book, but don't forget to read between the lines.
    Reviewed in the United States on May 18, 2015
    Verified Purchase
    I'm not usually one to review books on here (I think plenty of others do, and do a great job!) but as I came to this page to purchase yet another copy of this book to gift a friend, I found myself browsing through some of the reviews and had to respond to some of the criticisms. In essence, I think some of the reviewers here have missed the point entirely.

    (One criticism that I do agree with is that the book is heavily focused on the American 20-something experience, yet I do not fault Jay for this--she is an American psychologist, has likely treated predominantly American clients, and is writing for a largely American audience. The "early life crisis" of the 20-something that can't decide on a career is a far cry from the issues faced by their peers in impoverished or warring nations, or even those that are similarly developed but culturally distinct. That said, just as I, a 20-something American woman, wouldn't pick up a self-help book written for senior men, I wouldn't pick one up, for example, for those coming of age in China. It's not that one's better or worse than the other, it's just that only one applies to me. I don't think you can get angry about a book addressing the 20-something experience in America when it's written by an American author who makes no assertion that she's writing for a universal audience).

    1) "This book didn't apply to me because I'm in my mid/late 20s and/or have my life together already and/or I already knew all the advice given."
    On one hand, I want to congratulate you, but on another, I think you might have fallen into the millenial trap of being narcissistic and blindly self-assured. Of course many people do graduate college, find a job in a related field, and transition into adulthood without issue. But I imagine that for every person following this path that winds up successful and content with their lives, there are a dozen that end up burnt out and disillusioned by 35, and are forced to reevaluate their decisions and start over. It's not just about choosing a career either--the book proposes mindful selection of friends, partners, and life experiences. With the top speed of modern life, it's easy to continue going through the motions without stopping to think about what you're doing. Even if you feel you're headed in the right direction, what is the value lost by taking the time to consider what you really want? (Also, if you really "have it all together" already, why did you read this book in the first place?!)

    2) "It places too much emphasis on finding a partner/having children/living the traditional "American dream."
    There seems to be a failure of taking the information presented and interpreting the message as it applies to your own life here. The "hook up" culture of 20-somethings and the prevalence of domestic abuse are real issues in the US right now. Fertility is also a hot topic, with popular media generating this idea that ANY woman can get pregnant with a little work and hormone injections well into their 40s. Once again, this is about mindfulness, not following a prescribed path. Not interested in settling down with one partner just yet? Fine! But does that mean you want to jump from meaningless hook up to meaningless hook up without learning about yourself and developing an idea of how you'd like your adult relationships to be? Sure you're not ready for kids now, but is it something you see for yourself eventually? How important is it to you? The answer may be not very, and that's okay! The point is to actually THINK about it and be intentional in the choices you make.

    3) "This is just one person's opinion, she does nothing to back it up."
    Honestly, this is just ludicrous. Jay integrates *peer reviewed literature* with her own clinical experiences and makes reasonable inferences about patterns in 20-something behavior based on them. You can disagree with the message, but saying that it's being pulled from thin air is just ignorant.

    4) "This book was depressing because it made me feel badly about where I am in my life by my mid/late 20s or 30s."
    I understand that some of the information presented can be anxiety-provoking and can make you question your life choices--that's the point! Read the case studies of 20-somethings who were depressed and anxious in their dead end jobs and relationships, they all found a pathway to a more fulfilling life. Even if past the "sweet spot" of the early/mid 20s, this book can help you to understand the reality of beginning a career or a family later in life. If you're unhappy with your life and expect a pat on the head and a participation trophy, ("it gets better!") this book is not going to help you. If you're lost, unhappy, unfulfilled, or depressed about the state of your life, this book can help you to see these problems as approachable, and models the shift in thinking that will help you to design the life you want for yourself. But 250ish pages written by a psychologist who you haven't met will NEVER be a catch-all solution.

    I think this is an important book that those in their late teens or twenties would do well to read, and that older demographics could use to better understand how to support the growth of the 20-somethings in their lives. As with ANY literature, it should be read with a critical eye and with careful consideration of your own experiences, goals, and personal beliefs. The Defining Decade is not written to be a panacea for every struggling 20-something. It does go against the rhetoric 20-somethings are hearing and provide honest, objective examples of how and why taking action in early adulthood is important.
    153 people found this helpful
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  • Peter Park
    5.0 out of 5 stars A 25 year old's Review: This is a Paradigm Shifting Book Anyone 17+ Should Read
    Reviewed in the United States on April 18, 2012
    Verified Purchase
    I read Dr. Meg Jay's NY Times piece on co-habituation (...) which lead me to ordering her book. I received it yesterday and read it in one sitting. So, I think it's pretty good.

    As a twenty something, I would recommend this book to my friends and even those still in high school. Dr. Jay teaches lessons about how to ideally approach one's twenties and why it really matters. She interweaves research, stories, and counseling sessions with her patients to make a thought provoking but easy book to read. In many of those patients, I saw my friends or myself. There was the twenty something coffee barista still waiting for the right opportunity to come by. There was the beautiful and successful, girl chronically hooking up and never dating because she's still plagued with teenager, self-image problems. There was the bicycle shop guy wanting to be original and afraid of settling down. What they all have in common is this intense desire to know, "Am I going to make it? And what the hell should I be doing in my twenties? School was so easy, but life is so hard."

    This book isn't a step by step guide. It won't go into how to systematically meet guys/girls, get over depression, or how to do well on an interview. There are plenty of books on getting into the details. Instead, this is a thought provoking book aimed against the popular twenty something zeitgeist today that, "we can do anything", "there's always time", and "I have until 30 to get my life together." Not to mention the million other stories we tell ourselves like, "I'm never going to get good at this", "It's better to wait rather than choose", or "Everyone on Facebook is doing better than me." In a sense, this book is like "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" to personal finance. They are paradigm shifting books that sweep away the false assumptions and beliefs we acquired from our childhood and culture and replace them with solid, real principles on how reality works. This book isn't going to do the heavy lifting for you, only you can do that. This book is the starting point to begin living one's twenties with drive, clarity, and purpose.

    The book itself is divided into three sections: Work, Love, and The Brain and the Body.
    Work talks about increasing your identity capital, the value of "weak ties", that you know what you want even though you think you don't, the unhelpful prevalence of Facebook comparisons, and seeing a career as the first step in a unique, customized life versus settling down.
    Love goes into the importance of taking dating seriously in your 20s, compatibility with possible in-laws, how to make sure "living together" isn't harmful, and choosing the right partner.
    The Brain and Body is sort of a misc. collection of pieces centered on how your brain, body, and mind works.

    The Brain and Body section also covered a lot of neuroscience research I wasn't aware of. For example, your brain undergoes a radical period of reconfiguration in your 20s which means now is the best opportunity for learning skills. Or, the frontal cortex that controls a lot of our mature responses such as regulating emotions is still developing for most people in their 20s. Besides the physical brain, Dr. Jay also talks about the mind such as learning how to calm yourself down, how to develop confidence (rather than believing it's fixed), and that you can radically alter how you feel by changing parts of your life.

    It also has a very frank chapter on fertility and that ladies don't have as much time as they think to have children. The final chapter before the epilogue talks about mapping your years to see how limited your time truly is. It seems common for many young people to talk about getting their career in order or going to graduate school eventually, getting married, and having kids but not all at the same time. Except, when you're 25 or 27 saying this, you're quickly running out of time.

    It's hard to convey in a review how good the book is. This is the book I wish I could have written in ten years. Not just because of the advice, but because of the patient interviews. I found myself agreeing and sharing the same POV as the patient many times but through the counseling session, it was almost like I was sitting there and seeing my own assumptions fall apart and seeing the truth for what it really is. This book doesn't knock you over the head with what Dr. Jay thinks is right but begins from where you already are and lets you see for yourself the problems in your logic. Just as any good psychologist does.

    This isn't your run of the mill advice book. There's a lot of popular myths and assumptions that this book dispels with cold, hard truth. I'm a self-help addict, and there was plenty of new information I never heard or thought of before.

    The underlying message in all the stories and chapters is start living your life now. Take responsibility. Don't believe the lies that your twenties don't matter or that confidence is only innate. For most people, the late night parties, pointless jobs, and random hookups won't be what build your identity, what you care about or remember in the future. If anything, as Billy in the book says, you will probably feel betrayed that you wasted the best years of your life doing all the meaningless things that culture and others mislead you to believe most important. So, start preparing now because the investments (or lack thereof) that you do in your twenties will have the greatest impact in your career, marriage, and overall happiness. As she ends the book, "The future isn't written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So claim your adulthood. Be intentional. Get to work. Pick your family. Do the math. Make your own certainty. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You are deciding your life right now."
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  • Sam
    5.0 out of 5 stars Oh wow
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 22, 2020
    Verified Purchase
    This book is just amazing. I kind of wish I could sit down with the author some day, but once I have finished the book, that may not even be needed.

    Even though I am in my late late 20s, I can still see much benefit in the book. The concept of identity capital is something I am finding very useful, and now that I understand it, it pops up in my mind when I am making career choices which is great. I feel it has enhanced and open up my mind, while at the same time making it easy for me to make choices, or at least to understand exactly what it is that I am trading/gaining when I choose one career option over another.

    It's also awesome that the author has actually counselled many young people like ourselves, and we get to see this often inside the book. While reading, I often feel like I am a third party looking at my own life and my own thought processes- that is how relatable the book is.

    This is the kind of book you would be eager to pass on once you have read it, but I bought it on kindle, so thankfully, I can keep it. Thank you so much Dr Meg for this contribution to the world.
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  • Phan
    5.0 out of 5 stars Great
    Reviewed in Australia on August 8, 2023
    Verified Purchase
    I am in my twenties and felt lucky that I just read this book. Three years ago, I read the book “What I wish I knew when I were 20” and now this book came at a right time to direct me for my upcoming journey.
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  • Gaurav Das
    5.0 out of 5 stars Interesting read with examples of other people's lives
    Reviewed in India on March 29, 2025
    Verified Purchase
    Very good read for someone in early, mid or even late 20s!!
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  • SH
    5.0 out of 5 stars Compre 4 ediciones mas de regalo.
    Reviewed in Spain on February 14, 2025
    Verified Purchase
    Te da una muy buena perspectiva sobre los objetivos (carrera, network, salud, familia etc.) en tus años 20.
    Todos los que estan en sus años 20 deberian leeer este libro.
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  • Mariana P
    5.0 out of 5 stars Esencial para las personas de veinte y tantos años
    Reviewed in Mexico on January 3, 2024
    Verified Purchase
    Definitivamente de mis libros favoritos. Disfrute mucho su lectura y me ayudó bastante a darme cuenta de áreas de mi vida que necesitan mejorar a mis 24 años y sobretodo de el cómo hacerlo. Lo recomiendo ampliamente, compraré más libros para regalarlos a mis conocidos.
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