Thread
My grandpa just died at 102. How did he react to me telling him I'm transgender?
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My grandpa was born in 1920.
1920!!!!
Talk about a generational difference..... I'd hoped he'd support my gender transition, because he was such a loving person, but.... gosh, the generational difference! Honestly, how would he take the news?
(1920!!!!)
1920!!!!
Talk about a generational difference..... I'd hoped he'd support my gender transition, because he was such a loving person, but.... gosh, the generational difference! Honestly, how would he take the news?
(1920!!!!)
The last time he saw me in person, I had a huge beard. That was in 2018, several years before I came out as trans. I was his grandson... his son's son, and the father of his grandchild. He was so proud of me.
But the beard was a mask. How would he react when I took it off?
But the beard was a mask. How would he react when I took it off?
"Beards" was the subject line of an email he sent me in January 2018.
I'd just realized I might possibly potentially maybe be trans, but wasn't sure yet and kept it an absolute secret. I didn't dare tell anyone.
But I did shave my beard.
And Grandpa saw the photo.
I'd just realized I might possibly potentially maybe be trans, but wasn't sure yet and kept it an absolute secret. I didn't dare tell anyone.
But I did shave my beard.
And Grandpa saw the photo.
"Mazel tov... why did you take it off?" he asked.
And then he jokingly added, with a couple of photos of himself attached to the email, "See what happens when I get sick and don't shave!"
And then he jokingly added, with a couple of photos of himself attached to the email, "See what happens when I get sick and don't shave!"
In my reply, I told him it was an identity thing... but didn't dare admit yet that it's because I was struggling with my gender. Just to be sure he couldn't possibly guess, I refered to myself as a "big boy." I could be a boy and struggle with my identity, right? 
2 years later, when my grandfather was 99 years old, I finally came out as transgender. I copied him on a coming out email to family and friends.
His reply?
His reply?
"Dear Granddaughter Elisheva,
Thank you very much for sharing with me the story of your journey Who You Are. For me, you are one of my grandchildren, and I send you my love as always.
We wish [my child], Mommy [my ex], and Mama [me!] a celebrating Chanukah!"
Grandpa Ed"
Thank you very much for sharing with me the story of your journey Who You Are. For me, you are one of my grandchildren, and I send you my love as always.
We wish [my child], Mommy [my ex], and Mama [me!] a celebrating Chanukah!"
Grandpa Ed"
So he got my name wrong, and his reply was very concise, but you know what?
He called me a female name, told me he loved me, and referred to me as my child's mama.
But emails are emails. How would he react to seeing me in person?
He called me a female name, told me he loved me, and referred to me as my child's mama.
But emails are emails. How would he react to seeing me in person?
A few months later, he turned 100.... but also, the pandemic hit. So he never got to see me in person.
Instead, we celebrated his birthday over Zoom.
I was petrified. I knew he supported me, but... how would he react to seeing me in women's clothes, with makeup, etc?
Instead, we celebrated his birthday over Zoom.
I was petrified. I knew he supported me, but... how would he react to seeing me in women's clothes, with makeup, etc?
All the family got on Zoom. It was the first time he saw me presenting as a woman... it was also the first time my aunt, uncle, cousin, and step-grandmother saw me presenting as a woman.
"Who's that beautiful young lady????" my 100-year-old grandfather asked, with a grin, referring to me. "Is that my granddaughter Shuli???"
Oh, how I wished he could see me in person.
How I wished he could see the REAL me in person, not the old me, not the fake me, not the bearded me.
Zoom was great, but... when would the pandemic end, so that I could visit him in person as Shuli Elisheva, as his granddaughter?
How I wished he could see the REAL me in person, not the old me, not the fake me, not the bearded me.
Zoom was great, but... when would the pandemic end, so that I could visit him in person as Shuli Elisheva, as his granddaughter?
Time went by. The plague raged on. There was no way I could see him in person.
But I sent him my articles that I was writing for @unorthoboxed about my experiences as an Orthodox Jewish trans woman. At least he could read about my transition.
My grandpa, a rabbi, was so proud.
But I sent him my articles that I was writing for @unorthoboxed about my experiences as an Orthodox Jewish trans woman. At least he could read about my transition.
My grandpa, a rabbi, was so proud.
"Your papers on Unorthoboxed are a pleasure to read. Your language is inviting, encouraging the reader to continue. [...] Your transgender experience in itself, however, is an added and even greater achievement. [...]"
"After all those years of agony, you are sharing this experience and are actually making the transition is an even greater achievement. You struggled to find yourself as Sam. Now you are creating yourself as Shuli--who, how and why I am. I congratulate you, Shuli."
Fast-forward a few more months to December 2021.
Grandpa was 101 years old.
It was a week after my gender affirmation surgery, and the surgeon's assistant had just removed all the packing, enabling me to see my new genitals for the very first time.
Grandpa was 101 years old.
It was a week after my gender affirmation surgery, and the surgeon's assistant had just removed all the packing, enabling me to see my new genitals for the very first time.
As I sat in the exam room, alone, waiting for the surgeon, I cried tears of joy. I made a video of myself to capture the awe, gratitude, and joy of that moment. I praised G-d for the miracle of my surgery and of being a woman.
Grandpa saw the video.
www.youtube.com/shorts/oS__WsTl40E
Grandpa saw the video.
www.youtube.com/shorts/oS__WsTl40E
And then he sent me one of the last emails I ever received from him.
"To my granddaughter Shuli," he wrote.
We saw your flowing tears of joy, and Jill and I were most happy to share them with you. Within each drop there was a flood of smiles in which we saw sparkling reflections of the women you long have wanted to be. [...]"
We saw your flowing tears of joy, and Jill and I were most happy to share them with you. Within each drop there was a flood of smiles in which we saw sparkling reflections of the women you long have wanted to be. [...]"
"[...] These were treasured moments. And your words of prayer -- may they be upon your lips l'orech yamim.
We send our love to our Shulamit Elisheva.
Jill and Grandpa Ed"
We send our love to our Shulamit Elisheva.
Jill and Grandpa Ed"
And then a month later, the last email I ever received from him before he died:
"Dear Granddaughter Shuli,
May you attain in good health the happiness that you so zealously desire, and may we rejoice together bim'he'rah u-v-yamenu.'
Grandpa Ed and Jill"
"Dear Granddaughter Shuli,
May you attain in good health the happiness that you so zealously desire, and may we rejoice together bim'he'rah u-v-yamenu.'
Grandpa Ed and Jill"
He died last week at the age of 102.
He never got to see the real me in person.
But he got to glimpse the new me on Zoom, through my articles, photos, videos, and emails.
He was so proud of me.
He never got to see the real me in person.
But he got to glimpse the new me on Zoom, through my articles, photos, videos, and emails.
He was so proud of me.
People talk about generational differences.
And yes, generational differences exit.
My grandpa, who was born in 1920 (1920!!!!!!), recognized that I was still his grandchild... his granddaughter. He loved me all the same. He embraced me for who I am.
And yes, generational differences exit.
My grandpa, who was born in 1920 (1920!!!!!!), recognized that I was still his grandchild... his granddaughter. He loved me all the same. He embraced me for who I am.
I love and admire and miss him so much. 😢
And I will be forever grateful to him – my grandfather, who was born in 1920 – for his complete, loving, and nurturing response to my gender transition.
And I will be forever grateful to him – my grandfather, who was born in 1920 – for his complete, loving, and nurturing response to my gender transition.
