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38 quick thoughts on hosting

1. Anyone can host. Easy entry point is picnic. No worry about space constraints, grab a few blankets, drinks & snacks, post on twitter and voila
2. Good to have a core group of friends so that even if nobody shows up you still have fun together
3. Once you host once it gets a lot easier as you often already have the necessary set up/props and logistical details ironed out
4. You can order in instead of cooking food. Put it on plates if you want to make it look nice. Having one home cooked thing will be a nice touch though!
5. There is an inverse relationship between number of guests and ability to be vulnerable. Keep it intimate if guests are to do something weird and unstructured.
6. Add structure and guidance— “tell me what to do”. So the guests don’t have to think or worry about whether they’re “doing it right”
7. A lot of the above were lessons learned lol. Even if you are feeling ambitious try to keep from too much scope creep because plans can spin out and then you are committed.
8. If you can, personally DM each guest and invite them. Especially the girls.
9. If you are nervous about posting publicly, you can post in group chats or create your own group chat.
10. Once you’ve DMed and gotten responses you can add them to a bigger group chat. Or just use a party site like luma or partiful to handle event chat/discussion and more features
11. Luma and partiful have features like event chat, guest list, emails, event feedback. I prefer a screenshot of google doc/notes app or luma
12. I think I mostly would not use a venue for starting out but it’s nice if your friend has one available! But it can add renting costs etc and then you’ll have to charge tickets
13. Start a book club: 1) post about it to gauge buy in 2) set a cadence and what to read 3) share schedule & video link 4) encourage safe and equal discussion 5) I like to have exercises (meditation, impro activities) to give it an embodied aspect
14. It’s good to do something around what you are personally into because if you lose energy for it everyone else is screwed.
15. Try to relax and not be actively stressing over everything, people want to feel able to relax and mess up and not get chastised
16. Materials are a nice way to elevate an event— glass instead of plastic, etc
17. People need to be personally invited to do things beyond default appropriate party behavior. Structure and trust is also needed.
18. It’s muchchhh easier to cohost a party then do it alone, enlist your friends to help pull it off if you haven’t done it before. This also distributes social responsibility and adds more networks
19. Plan your outfit so you aren’t scrambling an hour before party after having gotten everything together
20. Themes are awesome, girls like it, it gets people in mindset of doing something together
21. You can get buy in from a few people who think your idea is cool to gauge interest before you share invite out to everyone
22. Bring a hosting mindset to events you attend— I have started to feel empathetic for host and now want to add/contribute to the vibe instead of expecting things to be done for me (guest mindset).
23. Music- I pick 1-2 songs to set the vibe and build the playlist around it, or as starting point to ask friends for refs
24. When posting invite on twitter, use declarative / confident voice.
25. I kind of like the google doc/notes app invite with one pic to set the vibe
26. I would not hire a dj unless you know they’re fantastic, people actually will just dance to good/well known music.
27. Make sure speakers are synced up across the space so people are in the same vibe across entire party. Otherwise there will be a disconnect. Figure out whose phones connect to which speakers if there are multiple
28. Scent will immediately alter a space, highly recommend incorporating
29. Make sure you have intimate, cozy spaces for people to try things. People usually won’t try things in large exposed spaces
30. I’ve heard of the idea of a “magic box” you can arbitrarily draw and within which norms are altered. I have not tried this
31. People are the most important thing. Invite close friends, diverse company that make for interesting conversation, and a few major extroverts to get things going
32. Your party might seem like a big deal to you but to others it’s just one of many that weekend
33. The art of the gathering is a great resource
34. If you have a bigger event recruit a team of volunteers to help clean up / be vibe checkers
35. Read the room and make announcements as necessary, eg we are moving to alternate location or hey we’re wrapping up now or you all are encouraged to do X
36. Make sure you have thought through risk and safety measures. How to bounce, restock bathroom supplies, take out trash, fire hydrant etc
37. If your event doesn’t go well, oh well, a lot of parties don’t go well! The worst case is if someone gets hurt.
38. Hosting can be hard and stressful (esp at first) but is also extremely rewarding. You are not only strengthening your individual bonds with your friends, but also everyone else’s bonds with each other.

Whew got to 38, signing off now
39. I greet people at the door warmly, introduce myself to +1s, express excitement that they are here, and give a tour of space ending with a drink offering eg tea, water, or alcohol. Also good to intro to someone they have mutual interests with

40. I have almost no anxiety for book clubs, some anxiety around posting confidently for picnics (good to cohost and have cohoster post), and lots of anxiety for parties that I solve for with lots of planning and overthinking and bugging my friends for feedback

41. If you, like me, also lose your voice quickly at parties, I recently found an awesome medicated cough drop (Mucinex) that numbs your throat and works really well, i was able to rally for karaoke with them
42. Hmmm I don’t have a great answer for this so would love comments from other hosts! I would say figure out what elements are making it weird (is the space awkward? Is it a specific person?) and make changes to those elements (fix arrangement, move people, ask to stop)

43. You will need to curate a little bit & just not invite certain people if you know it’ll cause conflict. You can also throw a series of parties and tell people that you want to invite people but not enough space so some people are invited to party 1, others party 2, etc

44. If you are trying to mix diverse groups of friends, you can set a norm upfront of making it a “safe space” for discussion/hanging out and that being a dick would get them thrown out
45. You can make an announcement that we are now doing THis (moving, wrapping up, eating, doing activity). Upon entrance you can also tell them hello welcome please grab xyz and feel free to mill about in backyard / whatever is going on

46. A lot of parties can end up being like 10 guys to 2 girls and if you want to have a more even gender ratio you need to make an effort when inviting girls

47. Live music can also instantly elevate a space— seeing your friends sing/dance/play music is magical
48. The more I think about it the more I like the idea of guests having a “host mindset”. Think how much better events would be if more guests played an active role in adjusting the event to be more fun and engaging for themselves & everyone else.
49. If someone doesn’t want to go your event/if you don’t want to go to someones event, it’s probably for the better because if you push them they might bring downer vibes anyways. I’m generally anti-peer pressure esp around drinking. Ask but if they say no don’t make a big deal
50. Lighting- tiki torches, xmas lights, bisexual lighting, natural lighting are great options.

Made it to 50 🥳 thanks for gamifying this for me @RichDecibels and would love to hear other peoples advice/tips/experiences hosting below!
@RichDecibels 51. Lately have been thinking of the negative consequences of hosting— I think head over shoulders the worst is if someone gets hurt. Other than that, I think fairly low cost to guests as they can leave anytime. As a host you may incur a reputational cost.
@RichDecibels 52. (trying to get to 100 so thoughts might get looser here on out) This reputational cost is something you have to be okay with. The less weird or demanding of guests, the less risk. So things like picnics where people aren't forced to sit through the entire thing is nice.
@RichDecibels 53. Would love to hear from other hosts about ways to mitigate risk!
@RichDecibels 54. Another way to mitigate risk is to hold a series to distribute risk across events. This is often how good events start— the host is okay with the first few events in a series having only a few people show up, and then as word spreads more people start gathering.
@RichDecibels 55. Ways to hold a host mindset at events you are attending: Help clean up. If something is funky (set up is a little weird) go ahead and change it. If you aren't sure if it's okay to change something, just voice the suggestion and see if others agree. Mention things to host.
@RichDecibels 56. Think about ways to add to the event— what is missing or what could elevate the vibe? Can you get the dance floor going? Can you help DJ? Can you bring food/snacks? Start a conversation game? Keep the conversation going when it lulls? Generally show up engaged & excited?
@RichDecibels 57. If you notice the furniture is in the way, can you move the chairs to be better for the crowd? Don't be shy about doing things that will be fun (eg climb up on something or do something weird). Spread out— people tend to cluster and get into tighter and tighter circles
@RichDecibels 58. The whole clustering thing is something I've been noticing lately, and suddenly we are all standing in a very tight circle. This makes it difficult for others to join. Why not spread out? Also it's nice to like, stretch your limbs and go ahead and lay down or stand outside
@RichDecibels 59. I noticed someone recently host an event and it said, "this is a chill event, it's mostly to allow my friend X to practice hosting". I thought it was an awesome way to preface and allow space for forgiveness among guests
@RichDecibels 60. I'm also a big fan of more experienced hosts co-hosting with less experienced hosts, to give them mentorship/resources/advice/encouragement. It can be anxiety-inducing to host, and there are small details that more experienced hosts can help out with.
61. The guest:host ratio is totally skewed so usually people are pretty grateful to people who host/organize for putting in the effort
62. When you want to do something, instead of blasting “hey what’s going on” suggest something you’d like to do and say “I’m interested in doing this, do you want to come with”
63. Going back to inviting for early hosts: Dm/text a bunch of friends individually to see if they’re interested. Once you get critical mass you can share more widely or create group chat
64. Event ideas: picnic, book club, dinner party, potluck, poker night, board game night, go to movie, movie night, online movie night, concert, pechakucha, poetry reading, art day, music jam, museum, go on a hike, climbing gym, climbing trip, climb stairs/workout, beach bonfire
65. I’m personally interested in events that explore clusters of concepts that crop up around here, either as a theme or as conversation pieces. It’s nice to have a shared language among guests
67. Having a goal is a good idea. What is the purpose? Is it to get together? Celebrate an achievement? Experience something? Do an activity?

It can be hard to have one clear goal but I believe important for guests clarity’s sake
68. 👇

69. Do not underestimate the amount of prompting and nudging required to get people together— you can make a sign but you Will need have a human being available to organize, present, announce, remind, etc
70. A step up from a picnic is a bonfire! Also public space, but requires a little more figuring out— which beaches have fire pits, how competitive they are, and you have to go get wood, lighter fluid, skewers and s’mores. Also recommend yams wrapped in aluminum foil
71. For outdoor spaces, one key consideration is having a nearby bathroom! Also nice to be in walking distance of cafes or grocery stores so that people can go off and buy snacks
72. Book club size: there is a sharp drop off rate so I’d say up to ~25 at first, and it will whittle down to like 3 core interested people by chapter 6
73. Picnic size: depending on how public and peoples audiences, it can range from like 5-50 with people coming and going
74. Picnic details: I like to do 4 hours max so like 2-6pm and then either people split off or everyone can walk somewhere for dinner & drinks. Ideal to find a dinner spot that has other spots nearby in case there’s not enough restaurant space & the group needs to split up
75. Really great points on how group size interacts with number of conversations and ability to move between conversations!

76. People have said (and I agree) that an (in person) conversation seems to break at about 5 people. At six people shift into 2 groups of 3, or mini 1-1 conversations start to happen on the side.
77. You can get tired of hosting. Hosting energy comes in waves. Sometimes you just want to hang with your close friends for awhile and not host larger gatherings.
78. Would love to hear from other organizers how to manage the let down if an event you throw goes badly. I think there is a non trivial amount of emotional management needed here. Possibly, throw a series of events so it’s distributed
79. Having other people around you who host or organize is a biiiiig help for getting started. Find your nearest person in your life who hosts and ask them about it or co host
80. In general I am for more people starting to host. Bring your disparate friends together, reach out to your mutuals, have picnics and dinner parties and hang out casually, repeatedly
81. People seem to care a lot about *who* hosts. The host will inadvertently have an outsized effect on the gathering vibe. Think about how you might add your personal spin to the event, because even if you don't care to it will happen anyways at a shittier level.
82. I feel more and more that if you are hosting you can pretty much assume dictatorship, and in fact that people want/prefer it that way. *You* pick the movie. *You* pick the next location. Take suggestions but ultimately, you pick. This prevents group indecision.
83. Facilitating online events

84. Sometimes being a host is like being a project manager giving updates, or like being a heart rate monitor in a hospital. No one really will respond when you give the update, but it is necessary to give it to help everyone orient. otherwise things devolve/fall apart
85. One major mindset shift that helped me was— as the host, one of the most important things is to make sure you don’t die. Pick the things/details/locations/times that work best for you, because if you fall apart the event falls apart.

86. More ammo around— don’t quit, keep a regular cadence and keep expectations low. Accept that some days will be lower attendance / less engaged than others.

87. Shoutout to @gptbrooke who originally said this but it’s MUCH BETTER to tweet “A and I are going to do X, does anyone want to come along?” than “is anything going on?”
88. I think I'm starting to hone in my own personal angle/slant around hosting and gatherings... a few factors are important to me, including psychological safety, permeability (open to strangers but not a flood), social diversity, musical component
89. It's possible all of my hosting efforts to date have been in service of creating my ideal community... I'm very lucky to have been a part of some high quality communities, and now I want to replicate it
90. Side note: Another reason to host is that events *create* time, in that, in this short 4 hours where you are hanging out, you somehow created a larger than 4 hour time stamp in your memory, and this time stamp is much bigger than the 4 hours of your tuesday workday
91. Going back to aspects of a high quality community... a sense of recognition, intimacy, and familiarity, that even though you don't know everyone, you know a lot of people.
92. There's an interesting community strength that kicks in at some point... ideally each person has a few close friends, but even if you don't, there is sense of group strength. That the community as a whole can weather blows that any single individual could not
93. Another quality I really adore is when the community values and culture allow for the strengthening and improvement of each individual. Sometimes this comes from collective efforts at improving at a single skill that comes with many subsequent benefits.
94. It depends on the skill, but some skills/shared activities lead to things like increased fitness, increased focus, clarified thinking, improved emotional management, better social skills, more confidence, more exposure to diverse people, etc etc
95. I think it's important for the shared activity to be one that covers many vectors/needs in one's life, eg social, spiritual, physical, etc. And it's possible it has to be kind of specific... was just thinking how "creating things" is probably too broad, it has to be "writing"
96. A community isn't just you and your 10 friends, it is more permeable, it allows strangers in to bring new ideas and assimilate to the culture. But it also can't welcome a torrent of strangers, because that would instantly swamp the culture
97. After hosting and reflecting I realize that all the really good communities I've been apart of have multiple people who uphold the community values and sort of act as pillars, but no one person IS the community. It has to organically grow and propagate
98. Another thing that creates ideal conditions is a source of inspiration. This can be a natural landmark or philosophy, a *thing* that acts as a lighthouse and beam of hope to look towards and guide people
99. Hosting can be tiring, thinking about how to encourage/ask others to create event series to create more kindling for a roaring community fire (and alleviate burden on those who already host)
100. I HIT ONE HUNDRED!!!!!!!!! Check it out @RichDecibels and I emphatically turn down any more challenges to increase up to 200. 😌

Last thought— hosting has expanded my sense of self. I somehow feel larger now. Ok that's all for this thread folks!
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